Saturday, January 28

Two Weeks with Cadence


He drinks three ounces at a time and sometimes sleeps for over 3 hours at night. He sleeps outside of our arms now but still prefers to be swaddled in our embrace. He makes a face where he raises his eyebrows and flattens out his lips. It's very pompous looking. And he only does it with his eyes closed. I imagine it will be his "know-it-all" face that will annoy the shit out of me when he's 14 but for now it's pretty much the cutest thing I've ever witnessed in the natural world. 

I'm officially a work at home mom (#wahm) starting this week. On my own with the mini man from 2am till 6pm. Today was my first day and by 3 in the afternoon I was happy that Nate came back early and took the little man out for errands. It took me two hours to get 5 thank you cards written today. I had such grand productivity plans. 

They didn't so much happen. I did get through all of our leads, all pressing emails, one load of laundry, and all the thank you cards for the many lovely baby gifts we've received over the past few months. I guess that's pretty good but I'm feeling like I got virtually nothing accomplished. I'm going to have to learn how to better juggle having a very needy newborn and an inbox full of emails and a hard drive full of images that need to be edited. I'm only slightly terrified. 

In other news, look how cute his grouch face is. What on earth could be making you that upset little one?

Also, is it me or has he changed dramatically in 7 days...
(Sorry that I only wear plaid, apparently.)


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Thursday, January 26

Morning Elegance...



my love you drive me to distraction




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Tuesday, January 24

A New Normal: An Obituary for my Pre-Baby Life

 
Vogue Germany, Feb 2012

There is no "back to normal". I was struck upside the head with this fact this afternoon. I was reading a blog post by a friend of mine named Lara who just had a baby herself a few months ago. She said something about how she felt like after having her baby, she had to grieve her old life and was being reborn as a new person. That's when it hit me.

I've been gloomy lately. I know it's par for the post-partem course but it's felt deeper than that. And it's made me question whether something is wrong with me. But now I think I've figured it out. I'm grieving. Grieving for the normal that will never ever be normal again. There will never be just Nate and I again. And that is something that deserves a bit of time to mourn. There will never be the same sense of spontaneity as there was before. We'll find a new version of it, I'm sure. But what we had before won't be what we have in the future. There will never be the same work-life (un)balance. Everything we've figured out before will have to be re-figured. There will never be the same selfishness. Every decision we make will now be clouded by the knowledge that it affects someone other than just ourselves. And, call me selfish, but that makes me sad.

While this entire thing seems a bit silly, a bit of a #firstworldproblem, and a ridiculous thing to be sad over when we've been so very lucky and blessed by life, I believe that acknowledging it and letting myself grieve for it is the only way to move forward. Let's face it, I don't have much of a choice now do I? Move forward we must!

Not that it surprised me at all (because generally things never happen for me the same way they happen for the masses) but when Cadence was born I wasn't instantly flooded with overwhelming affection and pure joy. I actually had a tiny complication after my labor that got in the way of that a bit. And so it's taking me a smidge longer for the feelings to unravel. Like a flower slowly opening or an ember slowly growing into a roaring fire, my connection with him is a slowly rumbling thunder that I know will build to a telltale CRASH full of lightning and power and electricity. I know that the things I will miss from our life pre-baby will be replaced with things that fill my heart up so full that I can't even remember what there is to be sad about, but for now, let me dress in black and say goodbye to everything that was. Let me have my ceremony and my closure. Let me honor the life that we have lived up until this point. It was a good run.

xo,
B


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Friday, January 20

Of Musical Sounds and Silences...



Ca·dence [kay-dns] noun
1. Rhythmic flow of a sequence of sounds or words
2. Timing of events on a human scale; of musical sounds and silences, of the steps of a dance, or the metre of spoken language and poetry

Because my husband is a drummer. Because I was a singer. Because we met playing music. Because his drums echoed in my heartbeat. Because we danced in the living room to a slow rhythm and we fell in love. Because timing can sometimes be off. Because he wrote me love poems. Because we were two complimentary rhythms, pulsing out of step until we found each other. Because his beat completed mine. Because together, we make a new song. Because together we made a new song. 

And that song has his own rhythm, reminiscent of ours. Not unlike an echo. He makes musical sounds in between the silences. His heartbeat is the combination of our own. And he is the little rhythm our lives now dance to. Our new Cadence. 

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Wednesday, January 18

One week with Cadence


He's already changed so much. His face mostly. It's already older.

His eyes are an inky gray. I wonder in which direction they'll decide to go... Mine are dark like espresso. Nate's are cool like the ocean.

He cries for food, and sometimes for a change of scenery, and sometimes if his stomach hurts. But mostly just for food. Knock on wood.

He sleeps well both day and night but best when one of us is holding him. Somehow I'm still exhausted. Even right after I wake up. I think my soul is tired and it's leaking through. Giving birth is an exhausting experience. I still don't feel completely ready to talk about it because even thinking of it makes me tired.

He's made me lose all track of time. I have no idea what time or day it is at any given second. I feel as if the day flies by and the night drags on. I wish the sun stayed out later so I didn't feel like I'm living in a world of nights.

He makes me terrified and excited for the future. If I start to think too far ahead I get completely overwhelmed, so I stay mostly in the now, attempting to take mental snapshots of each moment so they don't dissipate into the past like steam from a boiling pot.

He's quiet when he's awake with eyes wide and observant. He locks his eyes on mine and stares right into my soul. I've read that babies this young don't always maintain eye contact so I find it extra special when he does.

He was born in the small window of time between Nate's and my astrological signs. And while I'm not a subscriber to all things New Age, I do find it amusing that he chose to come early enough to claim his own sign directly between the two of ours. He is a Capricorn, an old soul. Born under a full moon, just like his wide eyes.

But it's only been a week, and I know that he will continue to let us get to know him as the days go by. I'm excited. And terrified.









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Saturday, January 14

The Day He Became A Father...

 

Nine months ago he was unsure. Eight months ago he was scared. Seven months ago he saw a heartbeat. Six months ago he saw a bump. Five months ago he learned he'd be raising a man. Four months ago he got nervous. Three months ago he could easily feel him. Two months ago he put together furniture. One month ago he got really excited. And on Tuesday morning, he became a father forever. 

I had no idea what to expect as far as watching my husband go through this process. Watching him has been more beautiful than watching a perfect sunset. It's more magical than the way light dances on the ocean when the wind blows. It's more compelling than the perfect piece of moody music. Watching my best friend and soul mate fall so perfectly into this new role of his life has done things to my heart that I didn't even know were possible. I feel feelings so deeply that they make my soul ache. There is nothing on earth more beautiful than my drummer love Nathan and his perfect little Cadence. 




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Thursday, January 12

So I had a baby...

Just stopping in to say hello and also to tell you that I totally had a baby this week. He came about 3 weeks early and is just about the most adorable thing that has ever existed in the history of time. I will post some sort of birth story later on for those interested in our experience but to give you a quick idea, I went into labor late on the 9th and he joined us officially just before the sun came up on the 10th. My labor was 7 hours long and all 7 hours were done at home au natural. I have no words quite yet to explain the experience except that it was both immensely harder and at the same time simpler than I expected. (I know, that makes no sense.) He is doing perfectly, I could not possibly be more in love with him or my husband, and we are taking some time to adjust to this new world we now live in.

And since we've been keeping his name a secret for so very long, it is with great pleasure that I introduce you to my son, Cadence Archer. He weighed 6 lbs. 6 oz. at birth and was 19 inches long. He's 3 days old now but these photos were taken on his first day in the outside world.


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