The other day an instagrammer who I adore posted this quote from a book on parenting that she was reading. Since then I've seen other bloggers repost it with positive affirmations. I, ever the contrary one, want to post it because I highly disagree and I want to explain why in hopes that other people who feel like I do will find some solace in the company of moms who want to maintain a balance...
Le quote:
When parents, “let their ambitions, housework, or hobbies, become a higher priority than parenting, and they begin to view their children as annoying interruptions. This attitude guarantees failure, frustration, and anger. Only by reordering priorities and recognizing that parenting is a highly demanding, full time job, will there be any hope for decent results and the absence of frustration. Give up everything else if you have to, and undertake the world’s most important and fulfilling job to the best of your ability.”
Le rebuttal:
Let me first say that I am not trying to say that you should completely ignore your children and pursue, well, other pursuits. Obviously, that is not a great way to parent. I also agree that parenting, the act of it, is an extremely important and demanding job that is, absolutely a full time endeavor. The part that I disagree with, and am actually a bit offended by, is the advice at the end...
"...give up everything else if you have to, and undertake the world's most important and fulfilling job to the best of your ability.."
I think that is absolutely horrible advice. And I believe wholeheartedly that advice like that, and the social pressure that it creates is why so many mothers are depressed or feel like they have lost themselves or live in a constant state of surviving day-to-day. This, my friends, is 'over parenting' and it is not a Universal ideal. In fact, it's very American. There is absolutely no reason why a mother should be told to give up everything else in her life to parent. That is not healthy for the mother or for her children. Children need to see a happy parent that is passionate about their own pursuits as well as a parent who is present with them. They need that balance. To be the center of their parents' universe is not a positive thing. Kids need to learn that there are other people in the world with needs that are of equal value to their own. That knowledge creates well rounded children that grow into well adjusted adults. The former mentality creates an army of spoiled brat little kids and soccer moms popping antidepressants like skittles where no one is actually happy.
Will I be there 110% for my son when he needs me? Yes. Will I parent him with dedication and work to be present with him and to support his growth and development? Of course. Does that mean that I need to drop every other pursuit, my career, my social life, my appeal as a woman, my adult times, my relationship with my husband outside of our role as parents, and anything else that brings joy to me? NO! That's ridiculous. My son will learn that I am a multifaceted person, just as he is. That I have things I like to do other than hang out with him. That he is a part of this family but not the sun in our universe. And because of that, I fully believe he will be a better person, and so will I.
xo
Amen. What a horrible quote...This is the exact thing that causes moms to have no identity once their children are grown...My mom was a single mother, had a full time career and a pretty demanding hobby. I didn't see her as much as other kids saw their parents but I never resented it and actually admire her and find her so interesting. She has a personality, she has a history and she's so interesting.
ReplyDeleteDear lord, thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
I agree 100%!! It's no wonder there are so many spoiled bratty now adults in this world who think life should be handed to them on a silver platter! I know way too many of them to be honest and you know what, they treat their parents horribly because they have always been "the sun in their universe" Bravo, Becka, Bravo!
ReplyDeleteLove your blog, and I agree with you 100%!!
ReplyDeleteI'm very interested in your side since I am naturally in agreement with the quote. I definitely think that parents, particularly women, need to maintain a sense of self outside of their identity as a mom, but I'm not quite sure how that can be balanced in all cases with their responsibility as a primary caregiver for a child. This is something that I'm still trying to understand and resolve for myself, but I think that each person will have a slightly different solution because no person's life is identical to another.
ReplyDeleteMy daughters are my heart and my world, but at the same time, I am a WHOLE person, not just a mom. I still have interests, hobbies, dreams, relationships with other people, and it's NOT healthy for kids to grow up thinking that life revolves around them and only them. They are, and will always be my #1 priority, but that doesn't necessarily mean dropping everything else important to me. Sure, I can't sit and paint for 8-10 hours at a time like I used to. But can I still do it? Of course. And can my daughter learn that mommy needs her own time, and that if she's screaming because she wants I cookie, I'm not going to drop everything I'm doing to get it for her? YES. Your children can still be a priority without taking everything you ever were and putting it up on the shelf.
ReplyDeleteAmen, sister! I'm currently pregnant with my first child and so I've been giving the whole concept of parenting a lot of thought. Like you, I think kids need to understand that they aren't the center of the universe. Yes, they need to be loved. And yes, they need to be a major priority in a parent's life. But to focus on the child at the exclusion of other equally important things -- like self care, for one -- ultimately does the child a disservice and sets them up for problems later in life.
ReplyDeleteI cannot even start telling you how much I agree with you (NOT with the quote). I see so many mothers who completely lose their sense of self in parenting, and you know what - forget what will happen to them when their child no more needs them to tend to his/hers every need 24/7... I think it's not healthy for the kid. In my opinion, growing up with parents that go after their dreams, pursue things they care about and feel fulfilled - that's such a wonderful environment for a child! I can say both my husband and I are self-employed and our careers really took off around the time we had our son (who's now 5). We had to learn to juggle and manage our schedules, but other than that, it's been wonderful for the 3 of us (and our son gets to meet so many creative people, as a perk.)
ReplyDeleteMy darling, once again you state the not so obvious, obvious!!!!! I remember struggling with this when you were little. Well done my sweetheart, well done!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so with you on this! I'm not a mother but I have seen many sides of this. I've seen women that have careers first and foremost like the men use to in times past, I have seen women who lose themselves completely and are all about raising their kid and don't know what to do when the child starts getting older and wanting to learn things for themselves. I think it's very important for a child to see their parents as multi-dimentional people with interests and goals and such. We learn from our parents so much when we are young. We learn to make goals without being told if that's what our parents are doing.
ReplyDeleteWhen people lose themselves and dedicate themselves solely to parenting then they have a lot of reconstruction and learning to do once the child is old enough to move out or go to college. Dependency moves from child to parent to parent to child. That can put a great deal of stress on the relationship I think.
Long comment short: I totally agree with you. You aren't suppose to lose yourself in a relationship and forget who you are, and I really don't think you're suppose to do that as a parent either.
I 100% agree with you.
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time (before I met my current partner), I was convinced that I would never have children. Why? Because I felt pressured that to be a good mom, I would have to sacrifice my career and therefore a huge part of my identity. I always believed that I could only have one or the other, and I loved my job as a creative copywriter too much to deny myself this source of happiness.
I realize now that it's all about balance, and it's hard to get that balance perfect, but giving up the passions and pursuits that are a fundamental part of your identity should never be expected just because you're a mom. It's completely unrealistic and a recipe for unhappiness.
I completely agree with you. Now, I don't have any children of my own but I grew up with a mother who gave up a possible singing career and having that hovering over my head wasn't fun. I believe in parents having a life and time to be adults and breathers from their children to fill their batteries, they also need to fullfil their own needs and desires otherwise they will be empty shells or heaven forbid one of those that push their interests or things they wanted to do on their kids like football, ballet, painting... you name it.
ReplyDeleteTo only live for someone else, no matter if it's the love of your life or a child isn't healthy in the long run - specially not when the love or the child in this case leaves you to make their own life - then what do you do?
Sorry for the long comment.
I'm not a parent yet but I totally agree with you! Thanks for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you. Of course my son is my priority and I love him more than anything in the world and I want the best for him, but this doesn't mean that I my whole existence as a woman has to stop.
ReplyDeleteWOW! What a response. Thank you to each and every one of you for sharing your thoughts. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. xo, Becka
ReplyDeleteCan I just say? Thank you so much for this. I don't have kids yet, but I want to have them someday. At the same time, I really love my career and being a creative - and even though I want to be a mom, too, I also don't want to give these things up. And I can't tell you how many people have made me feel guilty and/or selfish for wanting both. To them, it's one or the other. And it's sad that so much of our society thinks that... I had no idea just how many people felt that way. Do I think motherhood is the greatest gift? Yes. Will my kids mean everything to me? Yes. But I'm no less of a woman or (future) parent for wanting to pursue other dreams, too. I want to show my children that you CAN live out the life you want, be the person you want to be, and that you can make your dreams come true. It takes a lot of hard work and patience to make it happen, but it can be done.
ReplyDeleteYou rule. Thank you. <3
THANK YOU AND AMEN.
ReplyDeleteI've always thought that I never wanted to be the mom who let herself go or was only known as So-And-So's Mom. I have a friend who is the sweetest person I know but I feel like she's no longer Her. She's So-And-So's Wife and Baby's Mom. I've always thought I was a little vain because I say I never want to get a "mom" haircut to save time in the morning or give up my own well-being for that of my child's. I think you can have both. You can make time for yourself and still be true to yourself AND there for your baby.
My Nana put it best. She told me once that you should make a lot of time for your husband. At first I thought what kind of outdated pish-posh is this? But she went on by saying one day your children will leave the coop and you'll be left with your husband. You want to make sure you still have a relationship when your babies fly the coop.
Amen again.
I'm 100% with you, Becka. I think the attitude of that quote is why some women feel like failures as mothers - they think that somehow, they should be able to do it all with a smile on their face and lose their former, independent identities. What's more, I don't think it's being a good role model to your kids if they are all you live for, you know? They'll be better off realizing their parents are complete, multi-faceted people with interests and other parts of their identities.
ReplyDeleteAmen!!! Just have to add that I think making them the centre of your entire universe also sets them up for a massively rude shock when they inevitably discover that the rest of the world doesn't share this view.
ReplyDeleteLove your style. Been following for a while but this one really prompted me to comment. Also you might be interested in this article on the subject of why "perfect parenting" makes mothers more depressed: http://healthland.time.com/2012/08/07/mother-is-best-why-intensive-parenting-makes-moms-more-depressed/
Cheerio! :)
I've tried to explain this thought before and have gotten some less then thrilled responses for it. I think it is so important to have a life beyond your kids and teaches them such a crucial lesson. I really think the worst thing that anyone could say about my soon to be born daughter would be that she acts entitled. I can't really think of much worse for a child then one who has expectations of each person they come across because they have always been the center of the universe and now expects the rest of the universe to follow.
ReplyDeleteHaving not yet been a parent, or having a 'significant other', the biggest piece of self-growth I have have been working with has been the concept of not expending ALL my energy on other people. (In fact a friend expressed the opinion that it was a good thing I wasn't married with kids yet, as I would have not done the personal growth that I needed to do!)
ReplyDeleteI think this is why the safety instructions they give you on airplanes has always struck me. Especially the part about making sure to put your own air mask on first. If you don't make sure to keep yourself healthy, then you can't effectively help anyone else!
Let me chime in with an AY-MEN, SISTA!
ReplyDeleteUgh. Agreed.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I fantasize about being a stay-at-home mama one day. Devoting all my care and attention to being the best mom and wife I can be. Giving my all to being creative within my own family. But for what? So my child can grow up to do what? Be a stay-at-home parent too?
Maybe I've got it all wrong and that's what life is all about - creating and nurturing life and soaking up some sun. Maybe I'll change my mind once I have babies of my own. But for now... the idea of having to abandon my own dreams is what's keeping me from procreating.
I agree with you 100%. High five!
ReplyDelete@Kathleen Right there with ya, but you shouldn't let that stop you if you really want to take the plunge. Fuck what everyone else says or thinks. :)
ReplyDeleteBravo!! You are absolutely right. The idea that anyone should give up everything else in their life in order to parent properly is ridiculous and it is precisely why so many kids think the world revolves around them. And if I'm not mistaken, this is the same advice given to wives regarding their husbands in the not so distant past.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I could not agree with you more. As a mother who experienced postpartum depression - that is just awful advice. And, if i had been told this after my child was born i really believe my depression would have been worse. I would have felt such horrible guilt. As if i wasn't doing the right thing as a mother.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with perusing what you love. It wasn't until I had my daughter that I realized I hated my job and decided to do something about it. I've completely change my life. My husband, daughter and I get to spend a lot of time together and I still am able to work, learn, and experience life. Because that doesn't end when you become a mother.
I actually really loved this quote and perhaps you noticed that I blogged about it on Disney Baby, but I actually didn't interpret it the same way that you did...the last part of the quote was kind of just an add on in my mind. I was focused more on the part about letting our other priorities turn our children into annoying interruptions for us, because at the time that's how I had inadvertently been feeling about my baby. I was taking on too many things...not saying no when I should've, and I was missing out on all the special little moments in her day. I absolutely do agree with you though... I don't think parenting should be all consuming. I love my baby, but if I am not fulfilling my passions or taking little bits of time for myself, then I will be unable to be the best mom that I can be. I think a lot of moms forget about this and let themselves morph into mere shadows of their former selves which isn't good for anyone. It was actually one of my biggest fears about becoming a mom...but so far I think I'm doing ok at maintaining my sense of self :). Thanks for giving another perspective.
ReplyDelete@Lauren I'm glad you interpreted it in a healthy and positive way. i think too many women don't and feel strongly that being a mother is the end all be all of their being and that to do it well it requires them to sacrifice who they are, which I think is unhealthy and part of the huge societal disconnect between what we think motherhood is (lovely, sunshine, rainbows) and what it can really be (pp depression, hating your body, feeling unfulfilled and bored, etc)
ReplyDelete